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Messages - Pv

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General / Re:Why don't you come?
« on: April 11, 2005, 01:59:40 pm »
Yeah, I'd get in the papers...

General / Re:Why don't you come?
« on: April 11, 2005, 01:57:39 pm »
You could lie to people and say Lee Evans or somebody is there and on the night say he had to pull out, haha...it would get busy and people would see it was good (besides the dissapointment of course)

I know a comedian who did this. He did time for it.

General / Re:Why don't you come?
« on: April 11, 2005, 01:50:39 pm »
We're doing a one off at The Dickens on a sunday night.

The Dickens is an Ideal place to do it, promote it like funk around the University (flyer at the crossing on Southfield Road) and all the students will go in, make sure theres some cheap drinks on and it will be packed...

get chubby brown involved

The student Uni run a gig so we're going up against them. Trying for a mix of Middlesbrough inhabitants, not just the student grants.

As for Chubby Brown, it's not social club comedy. If I was going to pay out that kind of money it'd be Johnny Vegas I'd book.

Acts are from all over the UK and for £3 or £4 you're getting the chance to see the next Peter kay or Ross Noble.

General / Re:Why don't you come?
« on: April 11, 2005, 01:39:55 pm »
We're doing a one off at The Dickens on a sunday night.
edit: title made me do a dirty laugh  :diandnicolebeingsly

I did think of that and refrained from saying 'cum' with a cheeky wink.

15th May. Geordie comic Gavin Webster is headline with 2 support acts.

General / Re:Why don't you come?
« on: April 11, 2005, 01:33:42 pm »
We're doing a one off at The Dickens on a sunday night.

General / Re:Why don't you come?
« on: April 11, 2005, 01:25:23 pm »
Starting a gig in Boro, would that make a difference?

General / Why don't you come?
« on: April 11, 2005, 01:16:59 pm »
Just after peoples opinions.

I run The Funny Magnet Comedy Club at The Kubar and although we're on the mail out on Haxed and in the Kubar forum, nobody really bothers from Haxed.

Why is that?

It's in Stockton?
Too expensive?
You think it'll be shit or cringe-worthy?
Scared the comics will pick on you?
You couldn't give a fuck about comedy?
Didn't know it was on?

Best response will get free tickets to the next night (if you can be arsed to turn up).

Jokes & Comedy / Re:The Pope's Obituary
« on: April 08, 2005, 05:33:41 pm »
Daves been busy, here's...Continuing coverage of the Pope's funeral

Applause, whooping, cheering, air horns, whistles, steel drums and bells rang out in St Peter's square today as the funeral of Pope John Paul II drew to a close.

The Polish pontiff’s simple jewel encrusted solid platinum, gold rimmed coffin was carried inside St Peter’s pet cemetery, by a team of highly co-ordinated fork lift truck drivers, where he will be entombed in marbles, mostly dobbers and bomby’s, alongside 147 of his predecessors.
A copy of the New Testament was laid on top of the coffin, a small inscription on the inside cover read “Express by Holiday Inn – placed by the Gideons.”

Cardinals dressed in brilliant red, bringing out the green in their eyes, as well as it being the colour of mourning in the Vatican. Each of the cardinals came forward to kiss the altar as world leaders and hundreds of thousands of pilgrims from around the globe looked on in disbelief, as they readjusted their lip stick after every kiss.

The cardinals followed the Pope's coffin back into the basilica, where it will be sealed into a zinc coffin, then wrapped in an enigma, sealed in a question, and then dropped in to a question mark. In a private ceremony, it will be placed into a marble tomb in one of Santa’s grottoes.

Cardinal Ratzinger yelled to the crowd “For the love of Christ, make some noise for your Holy Father!” Giving the signal to Cardinal Hymen, three huge hose’s were pushed in to view. A rumbling noise could be heard, as the hose’s spewed forth there throngs of foam. St. Peter’s square was awash with bikini clad mourners, writhing in the foam. As the music kicked in and the ecstasy flowed, the crowd began to chant “THE ROOF, THE ROOF, THE ROOF IS ON FIRE!!”

"The love of Christ, that was the dominant force in his life," Cardinal Ratzinger told the crowd, adding, "Do you want a rewind?" The cardinal then traced the Pope's life from his time as a factory worker in Nazi-occupied Poland to his final days as the head of the world's 1 billion Catholics. He did this freestyle, 8 – Mile style. Thumping the air, he yelled. "Who’s the Father?"

"Today, we bury his remains in the earth as a seed of immortality. A seed that is sure to sprout some kind of ganja weed, dred. Our hearts are full of sadness, yet at the same time of joyful hope, horniness and profound gratitude," the cardinal said.

Kings, queens, presidents, prime ministers and ayatollahs had earlier taken their places in St Peter's square. Those that had been placed on the guest list arrived late, and made a huge deal about strolling up to the front of the queue, getting the bouncers to check there name on the list, and then waved at the hundreds of thousands of mourners that packed the streets surrounding the Vatican to hear the mass.

The prime minister, Tony Blair, arrived at the square with his wife, Cherie. These cünts were there only for a free feed.

They were joined by the heads of state of more than 80 countries, including leaders as diverse as the US president, George Bush, and the Iranian president, Mohammad Khatami. Prince Charles was attending the funeral, representing the Queen by acting the twät. Prince Charles continually steered the conversation back to his upcoming wedding. With people not looking the slightest bit interested, Charles just sort of trailed off, mumbling something about a Mercedes and a tunnel.

"I came because I love the Pope," Luigi Smith, a 23-year-old plumber from Turin, said. "I have all this love for a very big person. The whole world loved this guy. He was always looking out for the little guy, whether they be an AIDS victim, or an abused child. The man was a fücking legend"

John Paul's long-serving private secretary, Archbishop Stanislaw Dziwisz, and the master of the liturgical ceremonies, Archbishop Piero Marini, were exhausted from having to do the buffet. Hoping only that the potato salad was all eaten, as you can’t keep that stuff in a fridge.

Since the Pope's death on Saturday, around 4 million pilgrims have visited Vatican City and its surroundings, Marcello Fulvi, Rome's police chief, said. He also said that there had been a huge influx of heroin that would, “…prove most profitable.” Twirling his moustache as he said this.

Local traders, particularly florists have had it the hardest though. Trying hard to hide their glee at the massive profits they have been seeing. One florist, who asked not to be named, said “This is fücking AWESOME! I was gonna pack in, but I can’t sell flowers fast enough. I can charge what I want, and these dick heads will pay! I’M RICH BITCH!”

Jokes & Comedy / Re:Your lightbulb jokes in here please!
« on: April 08, 2005, 05:29:44 pm »
How many sound techs does it take to change a lightbulb?

[spoiler]One Two, One Two[/spoiler]

Jokes & Comedy / The Pope's Obituary
« on: April 05, 2005, 02:24:47 pm »
As penned by up n' coming comedian, Dave Longley...

Pope John Paul the II (Johnny big hat to his friends), who has died at the age of 84, was seen in the flesh more than any other pope in history. Apart from one, but we don't talk about him.

He made more than 100 international trips, selling his frequent flyer miles and using the money to fund his hobby of collecting simpsons paraphanalia. His frequent flying however was designed to hide his strange and unique fetish of licking tarmac, this being the only socially acceptable way to get his rocks off. The Pope ran in to trouble when some airport tarmac in Paraguay claiimed he was the father of her children, this was quickly quashed, as they looked nothing like him.

In one of his most highly publicised journey's, he visited Cuba, where he had Fidel Castro eating out of his hands. For no good reason, other than he thought it was funny. Fidel showed him a plate, he was having none of it. Fidel humoured the Pope, gladly eating out of his hands whilst simultaneously pick pocketing him.

Polish born Karol Wojtyla, had always wanted to be an action hero. He even thought of his own catch phrase, "Tell someone who gives a shït." But the calling of the cloth proved too strong.

A bishop at 38, a cardinal at 47 and a pope at 58, his street was packed with people who were in to the whole religion thing. His decision to try and break the 455 year tradition of Italian popes, made him unique in his ambission. He was shouted down many times by his local milk man, but carried on regardless.

On his first visit to his hoomeland as Pope in 1979, he was greeted by a million people in Victory Square, Warsaw. They erected a 60ft cross in his honour. The Pope was speechless, showing the early signs of Parkinsons.

In 1987, the Pope appeared on the talk show "WOGAN". Terry Wogan brokered the deal in a late night poker game with God, calling God's bluff and revealing a royal flush to God's two pairs. In front of a packed crowd, the Pope revealed that he liked the music of George Michael, didn't really "get" what people saw in cats, and told the world that all he really ever wanted in life, was a decent cup of tea. The Pope then sportingly played along with Rod Hull and his puppet EMU, happily taking a sustained attack lasting 23 minutes. The Pope later assured Mr. Hull that he would die a rather stupid death.

The Pope ran in to most controversy however, with his views on sexual matters. Addressing a local gay support group as "faggots", the Pope went on to say that, although he quite liked the idea, it said quite clearly in the Bible that you shouldn't bum each other.

He then shrugged his shoulders and said, "Hey, I don't make the rules."

In 1984, the Pope said that those catholics who use artificial birth control, were "denying the sovereignty of God...." adding "...surely its better to take it out and spurt it on her tits."

On April 1st, 2001, the Pope addressed a packed crowd in Vatican City. His address was televised around the world, as he explained that he had in fact been wrong all this time, and that Hinduism was in fact the one true faith. Unable to keep a straight face any longer, the Pope collapsed in hysterics, barely managing to shout "April Fools!!".

In March 2000, John Paul achieved a lifetime's goal and went on pilgrimage to the Holy Land to walk in the footsteps of Jesus. He deftly avoided the question of the status of Jerusalem, only saying that it was "..a bit of a shït hole." On a lighter note, he remarked that, "You can get Playstation 2 really cheap here. It's not even out in the Vatican. I got a copy of GTA too. shït hot!" The Pope was obviously moved when he visited Yad Vashem, the memorial to those who died in the Holocaust, but there were a lot of camera's around at the time, so he kind of had to.

In 1984, John Paul held a great inter-religious spectacular at Assisi, with rabbis and imams and archimandrites and gurus, as well as Native Americans and African traditional religionists. They all signed a pact saying, "Whatever happens in Assisi, stays in Assisi." No details of this crazy, drug fuelled weekend have been released, but photo's of the Pope necking vodka chasers are said to exist.

At a repeat exercise in January 1993, however, the chief guests were Muslims from Sarajevo, who denounced Serbian atrocities. This put everyone on a real downer, pissing the Pope off royally. "Who invited Mr. Doom over there? I try and make sure everyone is catered for, but its just not enough for some people. Oh whats the fücking point...." The Pope walked off, punching a wall as he did so.

More recently, the Pope garnered applause from paedophiles, for his relaxed attitude towards kiddy fücking. Gary Glitter said that he, "....admired his tough stance on getting jiggy with a kiddy." adding that, if he could turn back the clock, he definitely "...would've joined his gang."

Of all the Pope's in history though, none has achieved as much as this one. Asked how he would like to be remebered, he simply said.....

"As a man with massive power, who chose to do nothing much with it. I'm a simple man, I like simple pleasures. I may be the closest thing to God on this Earth, but I still wake up with a stiify like the next man, I'm just not alowd to touch it."

Karol Jozef Wojtyla, Pope John Paul II, born May 18 1920; died April 2 2005

He is survived by his wife, and three children

Ku Bar in Stockton / Re:April 7th - The Funny Magnet
« on: April 05, 2005, 09:15:22 am »
(I'm Pv's beautiful assistant...)

Don't get cocky.

Karen Bayley is excellent, review of her at Hartlepool here, http://www.bbc.co.uk/tees/content/articles/2005/02/09/funny_bones_comedy_review_feature.shtml

and Markus Birdman, seen him twice recently. Stormed it both times. Hopefully more people from Haxed will come sample our comedy wears on Sundays after this week.

Ku Bar in Stockton / Re:April 7th - The Funny Magnet
« on: April 05, 2005, 08:48:59 am »
It's a strong line up this month, next month is all girl apart from the compere and again, a very strong line up.

I think I have a poster somewhere with the next few nights...

General / Re:GLASTO TICKETS...
« on: April 03, 2005, 03:27:04 pm »
Confirmation's JUST come through now - only 7 hours after getting online confirmation...Was in junk mail though.

General / Re:GLASTO TICKETS...
« on: April 03, 2005, 10:12:19 am »
I aint got my confirmation email, I swear there'll be a hissy fit if I don't get tickets this time.

Ku Bar in Stockton / Re:April 7th - The Funny Magnet
« on: March 29, 2005, 02:10:42 pm »
Widely tipped as the hottest act on the circuit, Dan is destined for big things. He's already supported Ross Noble and Daniel Kitson.

Won't be able to afford him in a years time so see him now.

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